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Pattaya Top 5

1) Tee off.

If you are a fanatic golfer or one who doesn't like to play the same course twice then Pattaya, which has more nearby top-flight golf courses than any other Thai beach resort, is the place for you.

2) Get foamed at the Hard Rock Café.

Once everyone is suitably inebriated, a thick blanket of foam is pumped onto the dance-floor, under whose cover everyone slips and slides around. Although this is about as attractive to older visitors as a spell in a dentist's chair, younger tourists love it.

3) Check in at the Cabbages and Condoms Resort.

Part of a nationwide chain of resorts that encourage safe sex, the resorts are the brain-child of a Thai cabinet minister who wants to make condoms as numerous as cabbages in a market. There aren't actually that many cabbages in the average Thai market, so maybe the name 'Morning Glory and Condoms' would have been a better choice for the resort: it has a nicer ring about it and, if you think about it, is also kind of appropriate.

4) Eat.

As Thailand's biggest resort the selection of restaurants is as excellent as is to be expected and includes establishments serving all the world's major cuisines. Ignore that salty wet stuff next to the beach (it's a bit murky anyway) and concentrate on expanding your waist-line at the maximum possible rate.

5) Check out the Alcazar transsexual cabaret.

You'll be amazed at the beauty of most of the 'women'. If in doubt as to someone's gender, check out the way their arms hang - the arms of people who have at any stage been male bend slightly inwards below the elbow, whereas bona fide women's arms bend slightly outwards.

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